Bee Movie: a Diatribe

I will never get my three dollars back, and for that, Jerry Seinfeld, I hate you.

This is easily the most offensive movie I've seen since Wild Hogs, which is saying something. I didn't know what to expect going in, and I guess I thought the movie would be dumb, but I never expected that it would be so shockingly offensive and upsetting.

Here's the plot of this retard-a-thon:

Barry (Jerry Seinfeld, who could always have asked if he needed money this badly) is just an ordinary bee with one vital difference: he doesn't want to be a worker bee (read: slave), plugging away in a mindless hive of utopia. He leaves the hive one day to get honey and through a crazy series of bee-related mishaps winds up almost getting stomped on, but being saved by a woman (Renee Zelwegger, who might I remind everyone has an OCSAR). Oh and did I mention that bees speak English? Audibly, apparently, which doesn't make any sense either. So he makes friends with the human, who he also by the way has a crush on (read: beastiality) and then he finds out that humans are STEALING HONEY from the hardworking slave bees. So this is what happens, are you ready? He SUES THEM. He sues the honey industry. Like in a court of law. He wins, obviously, and the honey companies (evil corporations with names like "Honburton" and "Honron" and no I'm not joking) have to free the slave bees and give back all of the honey. There is so much honey that the bees stop working and become lazy pigs, but of course with no one to pollinate them ALL THE FLOWERS IN THE WORLD DIE. Yes, you heard me. ALL THE FLOWERS IN THE WORLD. Barry Benson the Bee (we get it already!) feels really bad until he and his chica realize that they can fly to Pasadena and steal some flowers from a rose tournament and then bring them back to New York to help repollinate things (because apparently there are no bees in California?) On the way back though, both pilot and copilot get knocked out and Renee Zelwegger has to fly the plane. Who here knows how to fly? Oh, that's right, the BEE!! With the help off his thousands of bee friends who HOLD UP THE PLANE on their bee-backs, Academy Award-winning actress Renee Zelwegger and washed-up old observational humorist Jerry Seinfeld land the plane and save the day. The bees are back to slaving away, but they're happy about it this time!! Whee!!!

The Creepy Creepy Subtext of this Terrible Terrible Movie:
1. Pro-Slavery: While the environment of the hive is at first portrayed as a Brave New World-esque dystopia, the final moral of the story is that people need work to be happy, that laziness is bad and leads to the downfall of an important system, that people should be happy where they are and that change is BAD.
2. Pro-Beastiality: I mean, come on. There are references to Jerry "making out" with his girlfriend. She is a HUMAN. The implications of them being romantically involved are horrendous. There is even a dream sequence in the movie where he and the human are having a picnic - she kills a different bee and they laugh about it, then she gets into a black-and-yellow plane so they can fly around together, and she crashes into a rock and dies. It is so intensely creepy I can't even say.
3. Racist: Chris Rock makes a cameo in this movie as the DBC (Distinctly Black Character), playing a mosquito who refers to himself as a "blood-sucking parasite" and is addicted to blood - he's trying to go up to Alaska for "moose blood" which will apparently get him really high. Yes, Chris Rock, just your average iconic drug-addicted parasite!!
There's also a really choice moment in the film when Jerry Seinfeld's parents start calling him an upstart for not adhering to the pack mentality. Jerry gets offended and asks them if they think he's totally gone off the deep end. Will he get an ant tattoo? A piercing on his thorax? Start sleeping with a cricket? Or even worse, gasp, "start calling people dawg?" Oh no, Jerry! You'll have truly gone rogue then!! Just imagine, some sort of lazy, worthless plague on society, going around calling people "dawg" all the time. What's next, rap music?

I don't even know what to say. I can't believe that so much money went into something so dismal and hurtful. Please, please boycott this movie. Please, please boycott Jerry Seinfeld. Please, please make him give me my three dollars back.