I love Mariah and if Nick Cannon tries to take her money I will punch him in the jujunem. That being said, I doubt she would ever let him go. If you can see through the ear magic that is that seven-octave voice, all of her songs are about being a crazy person and a bit of a ho.
I'm serious! Like "Fantasy" where she sings about being obsessed with someone from afar, and "images of rapture creep into [her slowly]" but it's "just a sweet sweet fantasy" baby! In honey she talks about being "strung out for a taste of your honey" and how he never has to wait for her because she is hooked on him after "one hit." My favorite example (/Mariah song) is "Always Be My Baby" because it is basically about how in her mind, the guy and her will ALWAYS be together even if they have broken up and he's dating someone else. It is straight-up stalker ho. Imagine getting a letter from Mariah on pink paper that smells like perfume saying "boy don't you know you can't escape me... no way you're ever gonna shake me." AH! It reminds me of when Wayne's ex-girlfriend gives him a gun rack. Is Mariah mental??
Mental and happily married. Best of luck to the happy couple! Never let him go Mariah. Reel in your gigolo and keep him there.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Friday, December 21, 2007
Hot Studs and Hot Action: My Trip to The Golden Compass
Is it weird that I found Sam Elliott the hottest piece in the whole movie? I mean, the flick had Daniel Craig who is something of a manimal (naked picturezzzz!!!) although didn't really get that big of a role in this particular film. I think it's my addiction to crows feet aka laugh lines aka hot hot hot. Sam Elliott is like a million years old (okay 63) but he is Yum! Looking on the interweb I see that he has been in all sorts of movies since Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, but I don't really remember him in anything. Where have I been? According to IMDB his trade mark is "his deep commanding voice," but I think it is clearly the fact that he is a senior sex machine.
Other thoughts: I enjoyed it, and the CGI was a lot better than I had expected. The armored bear fight scene was pretty off-the-hook (it didn't hurt that the voice of Iorek Byrnison was Sir Ian McKellen), and Pan was adorable (Freddie Highmore!) Actually, according to the end credits there were more celebrities doing voices than actually acting. I feel like there were some pretty broad generalizations in the movie, and a lot of time missing (in the book the journey takes forever but in the movie it seemed to be happening in like a week). These were my favorite books as a kid, so I came in with high expectations. They weren't met exactly, but they were at least danced around. For $3 that was enough for me.
Also, Nicole Kidman has serious Botoxface, and injecto-lips to boot. Au Naturale? Yeah right!
Um, p.s. searching for those naked pics led me to this amazing gossip: I love Judi Dench, what a dream.
Other thoughts: I enjoyed it, and the CGI was a lot better than I had expected. The armored bear fight scene was pretty off-the-hook (it didn't hurt that the voice of Iorek Byrnison was Sir Ian McKellen), and Pan was adorable (Freddie Highmore!) Actually, according to the end credits there were more celebrities doing voices than actually acting. I feel like there were some pretty broad generalizations in the movie, and a lot of time missing (in the book the journey takes forever but in the movie it seemed to be happening in like a week). These were my favorite books as a kid, so I came in with high expectations. They weren't met exactly, but they were at least danced around. For $3 that was enough for me.
Also, Nicole Kidman has serious Botoxface, and injecto-lips to boot. Au Naturale? Yeah right!
Um, p.s. searching for those naked pics led me to this amazing gossip: I love Judi Dench, what a dream.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Boney Magic
Boney M is an incredible band.
Please, everyone, appreciate the brilliance of these two shining ventures into historical fiction (fiction? I can't tell anymore.)
This one is about Ma Baker, who according to wikipedia was "a legendary American alleged criminal from the "public enemy era", when the exploits of gangs of criminals in the Midwest gripped the American people and press," and who according to Boney M "never could cry" but "knew how to die."
This one, my first foray into the world of Boney M almost a year ago, is about legendary sex machine Rasputin, who wikipedia characterizes as "a saintly mystic, visionary, healer, and prophet, and, on the other side of the coin, as a debauched religious charlatan," though Boney M simplifies it by simply telling us "it was a shame how he carried on."
Please, everyone, appreciate the brilliance of these two shining ventures into historical fiction (fiction? I can't tell anymore.)
This one is about Ma Baker, who according to wikipedia was "a legendary American alleged criminal from the "public enemy era", when the exploits of gangs of criminals in the Midwest gripped the American people and press," and who according to Boney M "never could cry" but "knew how to die."
This one, my first foray into the world of Boney M almost a year ago, is about legendary sex machine Rasputin, who wikipedia characterizes as "a saintly mystic, visionary, healer, and prophet, and, on the other side of the coin, as a debauched religious charlatan," though Boney M simplifies it by simply telling us "it was a shame how he carried on."
Dexter forces me to reevaluate my morals
So my mom has recently been really into, and has convinced me to watch, the Showtime show "Dexter," which is about a serial killer/vigilante type... thing... dude. Guy. Anyway, I have been watching this show, and I'm only five or six episodes in but already I can feel my moral fibers crumbling in confusion. Am I supposed to root for this guy or what? He is a sociopath and a killer, but he means well. And he only kills bad guys (reminding me of my favorite line in True Lies where he tries to justify having killed people by saying in that silly Austrian accent "... but they were all bad!") That is what Dexter is like, but even more convincingly human than the Terminator, even though we KNOW he's faking it.
My biggest problem with the show, then, is that it's making me question the people around me. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, because they might just be faking their emotions to hide the fact that they are sociopathic bloodlusters? I feel like I would be an easy target for that kind of criminal behavior, because I talk all the time. It would be pretty easy to blend into an area on my friendship spectrum where I would never question your late-night activities or the discrepancies of your character. It could be happening right now! I could be next!
I remember seeing on CNN at work one time a clip about some creepo sex offender, and they showed his picture and he was smiling normally, on the handsome side of average , and I got really freaked out. Usually I am comfortable in the conception that I would be able to spot a creep instantly due to some sort of obvious giveaway, like wonky eyes and lecherous looks, a sneer or really soft hands. But normal people? Creepster! They're all around us! I can't even handle it.
That being said, Dexter is a pretty good show. Sometimes I think they overdo it a little with the inner monologuing - he repeats every five or so minutes that he doesn't have feelings, but we kind of get it already, what with the killing. I llike the cast though, and the liberal use of cuss words (it's Showtime!). I also really like the fact that the show takes place in Miami, and all of the characters sweat profusely. Now that's attention to detail.
My biggest problem with the show, then, is that it's making me question the people around me. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, because they might just be faking their emotions to hide the fact that they are sociopathic bloodlusters? I feel like I would be an easy target for that kind of criminal behavior, because I talk all the time. It would be pretty easy to blend into an area on my friendship spectrum where I would never question your late-night activities or the discrepancies of your character. It could be happening right now! I could be next!
I remember seeing on CNN at work one time a clip about some creepo sex offender, and they showed his picture and he was smiling normally, on the handsome side of average , and I got really freaked out. Usually I am comfortable in the conception that I would be able to spot a creep instantly due to some sort of obvious giveaway, like wonky eyes and lecherous looks, a sneer or really soft hands. But normal people? Creepster! They're all around us! I can't even handle it.
That being said, Dexter is a pretty good show. Sometimes I think they overdo it a little with the inner monologuing - he repeats every five or so minutes that he doesn't have feelings, but we kind of get it already, what with the killing. I llike the cast though, and the liberal use of cuss words (it's Showtime!). I also really like the fact that the show takes place in Miami, and all of the characters sweat profusely. Now that's attention to detail.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Bee Movie: a Diatribe
I will never get my three dollars back, and for that, Jerry Seinfeld, I hate you.
This is easily the most offensive movie I've seen since Wild Hogs, which is saying something. I didn't know what to expect going in, and I guess I thought the movie would be dumb, but I never expected that it would be so shockingly offensive and upsetting.
Here's the plot of this retard-a-thon:
Barry (Jerry Seinfeld, who could always have asked if he needed money this badly) is just an ordinary bee with one vital difference: he doesn't want to be a worker bee (read: slave), plugging away in a mindless hive of utopia. He leaves the hive one day to get honey and through a crazy series of bee-related mishaps winds up almost getting stomped on, but being saved by a woman (Renee Zelwegger, who might I remind everyone has an OCSAR). Oh and did I mention that bees speak English? Audibly, apparently, which doesn't make any sense either. So he makes friends with the human, who he also by the way has a crush on (read: beastiality) and then he finds out that humans are STEALING HONEY from the hardworking slave bees. So this is what happens, are you ready? He SUES THEM. He sues the honey industry. Like in a court of law. He wins, obviously, and the honey companies (evil corporations with names like "Honburton" and "Honron" and no I'm not joking) have to free the slave bees and give back all of the honey. There is so much honey that the bees stop working and become lazy pigs, but of course with no one to pollinate them ALL THE FLOWERS IN THE WORLD DIE. Yes, you heard me. ALL THE FLOWERS IN THE WORLD. Barry Benson the Bee (we get it already!) feels really bad until he and his chica realize that they can fly to Pasadena and steal some flowers from a rose tournament and then bring them back to New York to help repollinate things (because apparently there are no bees in California?) On the way back though, both pilot and copilot get knocked out and Renee Zelwegger has to fly the plane. Who here knows how to fly? Oh, that's right, the BEE!! With the help off his thousands of bee friends who HOLD UP THE PLANE on their bee-backs, Academy Award-winning actress Renee Zelwegger and washed-up old observational humorist Jerry Seinfeld land the plane and save the day. The bees are back to slaving away, but they're happy about it this time!! Whee!!!
The Creepy Creepy Subtext of this Terrible Terrible Movie:
1. Pro-Slavery: While the environment of the hive is at first portrayed as a Brave New World-esque dystopia, the final moral of the story is that people need work to be happy, that laziness is bad and leads to the downfall of an important system, that people should be happy where they are and that change is BAD.
2. Pro-Beastiality: I mean, come on. There are references to Jerry "making out" with his girlfriend. She is a HUMAN. The implications of them being romantically involved are horrendous. There is even a dream sequence in the movie where he and the human are having a picnic - she kills a different bee and they laugh about it, then she gets into a black-and-yellow plane so they can fly around together, and she crashes into a rock and dies. It is so intensely creepy I can't even say.
3. Racist: Chris Rock makes a cameo in this movie as the DBC (Distinctly Black Character), playing a mosquito who refers to himself as a "blood-sucking parasite" and is addicted to blood - he's trying to go up to Alaska for "moose blood" which will apparently get him really high. Yes, Chris Rock, just your average iconic drug-addicted parasite!!
There's also a really choice moment in the film when Jerry Seinfeld's parents start calling him an upstart for not adhering to the pack mentality. Jerry gets offended and asks them if they think he's totally gone off the deep end. Will he get an ant tattoo? A piercing on his thorax? Start sleeping with a cricket? Or even worse, gasp, "start calling people dawg?" Oh no, Jerry! You'll have truly gone rogue then!! Just imagine, some sort of lazy, worthless plague on society, going around calling people "dawg" all the time. What's next, rap music?
I don't even know what to say. I can't believe that so much money went into something so dismal and hurtful. Please, please boycott this movie. Please, please boycott Jerry Seinfeld. Please, please make him give me my three dollars back.
This is easily the most offensive movie I've seen since Wild Hogs, which is saying something. I didn't know what to expect going in, and I guess I thought the movie would be dumb, but I never expected that it would be so shockingly offensive and upsetting.
Here's the plot of this retard-a-thon:
Barry (Jerry Seinfeld, who could always have asked if he needed money this badly) is just an ordinary bee with one vital difference: he doesn't want to be a worker bee (read: slave), plugging away in a mindless hive of utopia. He leaves the hive one day to get honey and through a crazy series of bee-related mishaps winds up almost getting stomped on, but being saved by a woman (Renee Zelwegger, who might I remind everyone has an OCSAR). Oh and did I mention that bees speak English? Audibly, apparently, which doesn't make any sense either. So he makes friends with the human, who he also by the way has a crush on (read: beastiality) and then he finds out that humans are STEALING HONEY from the hardworking slave bees. So this is what happens, are you ready? He SUES THEM. He sues the honey industry. Like in a court of law. He wins, obviously, and the honey companies (evil corporations with names like "Honburton" and "Honron" and no I'm not joking) have to free the slave bees and give back all of the honey. There is so much honey that the bees stop working and become lazy pigs, but of course with no one to pollinate them ALL THE FLOWERS IN THE WORLD DIE. Yes, you heard me. ALL THE FLOWERS IN THE WORLD. Barry Benson the Bee (we get it already!) feels really bad until he and his chica realize that they can fly to Pasadena and steal some flowers from a rose tournament and then bring them back to New York to help repollinate things (because apparently there are no bees in California?) On the way back though, both pilot and copilot get knocked out and Renee Zelwegger has to fly the plane. Who here knows how to fly? Oh, that's right, the BEE!! With the help off his thousands of bee friends who HOLD UP THE PLANE on their bee-backs, Academy Award-winning actress Renee Zelwegger and washed-up old observational humorist Jerry Seinfeld land the plane and save the day. The bees are back to slaving away, but they're happy about it this time!! Whee!!!
The Creepy Creepy Subtext of this Terrible Terrible Movie:
1. Pro-Slavery: While the environment of the hive is at first portrayed as a Brave New World-esque dystopia, the final moral of the story is that people need work to be happy, that laziness is bad and leads to the downfall of an important system, that people should be happy where they are and that change is BAD.
2. Pro-Beastiality: I mean, come on. There are references to Jerry "making out" with his girlfriend. She is a HUMAN. The implications of them being romantically involved are horrendous. There is even a dream sequence in the movie where he and the human are having a picnic - she kills a different bee and they laugh about it, then she gets into a black-and-yellow plane so they can fly around together, and she crashes into a rock and dies. It is so intensely creepy I can't even say.
3. Racist: Chris Rock makes a cameo in this movie as the DBC (Distinctly Black Character), playing a mosquito who refers to himself as a "blood-sucking parasite" and is addicted to blood - he's trying to go up to Alaska for "moose blood" which will apparently get him really high. Yes, Chris Rock, just your average iconic drug-addicted parasite!!
There's also a really choice moment in the film when Jerry Seinfeld's parents start calling him an upstart for not adhering to the pack mentality. Jerry gets offended and asks them if they think he's totally gone off the deep end. Will he get an ant tattoo? A piercing on his thorax? Start sleeping with a cricket? Or even worse, gasp, "start calling people dawg?" Oh no, Jerry! You'll have truly gone rogue then!! Just imagine, some sort of lazy, worthless plague on society, going around calling people "dawg" all the time. What's next, rap music?
I don't even know what to say. I can't believe that so much money went into something so dismal and hurtful. Please, please boycott this movie. Please, please boycott Jerry Seinfeld. Please, please make him give me my three dollars back.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Wanted: Better Script
The new preview for Wanted is out - you can check it out here.
Angie is just going through the motions here. At first I thought this was another Tomb Raider movie and I thought it was hilarious that they had given up completely on any semblance of a British accent. Her breasts are saying plenty! Whatever, apparently this is something new, which is actually nothing new! They are going for some serious stylization here and while it worked when they started doing it years ago it has pretty much been played out. Nobody believes that you can sit your way into a moving car like that, and following a bullet's path is ughhhhhhhhhhh way too much like that Korn video I used to watch. Does anyone remember that? That shit was crazy. Not anymore though, we've moved on. I feel like every other movie I see involves some sort of completely unnecessary CGI tracking shot that zooms in really close on something that we do NOT need to see. There's always like a super close-up of the pores on the main characters arm after he runs really fast, like... we get it, he's sweating. Let the audience do the BARE minimum of work to understand what is happening please. I swear I would not be surprised if they had voice-overs in movies explaining what people were feeling and thinking, just so no one would have to bother to try and make it clear in the script or acting.
Also, I can't say I've ever been asked, but why in movies like this are people always so easily swayed into the life of an assassin? Like I am supposed to believe that you will be involved in one shootout in a pharmacy and all of a sudden you're going to be like "hey, let's shoot around hunks of meat and drive fast and kiss hot chicks and" wait I'm convincing myself.
It will probably be a shitty movie. Like I care!! I am still going to go see this movie and will probably love it. Angie and James McAvoy are hot hot hot. James McAvoy was working it in Last King of Scotland (less in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe but everyone makes mistakes) Is seeing them kiss at the multiplex worth my 9 dollars? Probably not, but I'll be spending it anyway.
Angie is just going through the motions here. At first I thought this was another Tomb Raider movie and I thought it was hilarious that they had given up completely on any semblance of a British accent. Her breasts are saying plenty! Whatever, apparently this is something new, which is actually nothing new! They are going for some serious stylization here and while it worked when they started doing it years ago it has pretty much been played out. Nobody believes that you can sit your way into a moving car like that, and following a bullet's path is ughhhhhhhhhhh way too much like that Korn video I used to watch. Does anyone remember that? That shit was crazy. Not anymore though, we've moved on. I feel like every other movie I see involves some sort of completely unnecessary CGI tracking shot that zooms in really close on something that we do NOT need to see. There's always like a super close-up of the pores on the main characters arm after he runs really fast, like... we get it, he's sweating. Let the audience do the BARE minimum of work to understand what is happening please. I swear I would not be surprised if they had voice-overs in movies explaining what people were feeling and thinking, just so no one would have to bother to try and make it clear in the script or acting.
Also, I can't say I've ever been asked, but why in movies like this are people always so easily swayed into the life of an assassin? Like I am supposed to believe that you will be involved in one shootout in a pharmacy and all of a sudden you're going to be like "hey, let's shoot around hunks of meat and drive fast and kiss hot chicks and" wait I'm convincing myself.
It will probably be a shitty movie. Like I care!! I am still going to go see this movie and will probably love it. Angie and James McAvoy are hot hot hot. James McAvoy was working it in Last King of Scotland (less in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe but everyone makes mistakes) Is seeing them kiss at the multiplex worth my 9 dollars? Probably not, but I'll be spending it anyway.
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